My Journey To Motherhood

For as long as I can remember, I always knew I wanted to be a mom, that was why I was put into this world, the reason that I am living. I always looked forward to the day that I would get married and finally get that child I had always longed for. Growing up for some odd reason I always feared I couldn't have children. I don't know why I just did and that fear stuck with me forever. I think it was probably because getting pregnant, having a baby, becoming a mother was something I wanted so badly. I feared I would never get that... Never did I ever think I would find myself here, in this position, typing up my journey with infertility. Like most people, I always thought getting pregnant would be easy just like you hear people talking about. That's not the case for everyone. 1 in 8 couples has difficulties in getting pregnant. You guys probably didn't know, Rudy and I are 1 in 8. This week is National Infertility Awareness Week and I want to finally share my journey with fertility. Now let's go all the way to January of 2019, that is where the story begins.

As soon as 2019 hit Rudy and I decided it was finally time to seek help from specialists. At the time, we had been trying to get pregnant for well over two years. Months after months of negative pregnancy tests, it was time we'd finally get some answers as to what was going on. When we embarked on our fertility journey I started journaling. You may remember me lightly mentioning how I had been filling a journal with my thoughts and feelings on what I was going through. Well, this was it, it was all about my fertility journey. I documented every doctor's appointment, every event, every single procedure, just about everything which ended up being very helpful for this post.

I reached out to my OBGYN in January and explained to her that Rudy and I had been trying to get pregnant for over two years at that point and had been unsuccessful. She had me contact our insurance member services to ask about our coverage with fertility treatments as currently, only seventeen states have fertility insurance coverage, and fertility treatments can be extremely expensive. Once I was informed our insurance covered fertility treatments my Dr sent a referral to the clinic so that we could get things started. About a week later I received a call from the REI clinic to schedule a consultation with one of the fertility Drs. and before that appointment, I would have to go get my blood draw on day two of my cycle. Lots and lots of blood tests for me, and Rudy had to go in once to get his blood drawn. Also, let me add that when it comes to fertility treatments there is a whole lot of waiting. Your patience is really tested throughout this journey.

Finally, a month later in February, we had our consultation appointment and I really liked our Dr. He was extremely informative and straight forward. During this consultation, he also went over all of mine and Rudy's blood tests along with Rudy's semen analysis results. Everything looked great, everything looked normal for our age. This was great news but also frustrating because it left us asking ourselves, "what is the problem then?". We decided that our next step would be going with an IUI procedure. An IUI is an intrauterine insemination, more commonly known as artificial insemination. The way I always explained it to people was the way Jane from the tv-show Jane the Virgin got pregnant. It's one of the more simple fertility treatments out there which can be done without using any fertility drugs. During the procedure, semen is specially washed and directly transferred into the uterus via a catheter. Don't worry this was completely painless. However, before I was able to start this I had to undergo one specific procedure, hysterosalpingography (HSG).

In the middle of March I arrived at the hospital to get my HSG done I didn't know what to expect. All I knew was that they were going to insert some dye into my uterus to see if it flows properly into my ovaries. Let me begin by explaining exactly what an HSG is. It is a test done with an X-ray to see the outline of the shape of the uterus to find out if the fallopian tubes are blocked. A "thin" catheter is inserted through the vagina and cervix then a blue dye is injected into the uterus. I'm going, to be honest, this was the worst procedure I had to do throughout my entire fertility journey. It was so painful I swear at that moment I didn't think I was going to be able to go through with it. The pain was pretty unbearable, I was so uncomfortable and felt a whole lot of pressure. It was overwhelming and I kept telling myself to breathe through it, easier said than done. Once the technician arrived they started injecting the dye and before I knew it was finally over. The technician stated that my left tube looked blocked... which months down the line I was told by my new fertility Dr that my tube actually didn't look blocked at all.

Once all the mandatory blood work and procedures were done Rudy and I were set to begin our first round of IUI. It begins with them getting me started on a medication called Femara, also known as Clomid, two pills a day for five days. This medication is meant to help you grow more follicles giving you a higher chance of getting pregnant. On day ten of my cycle, they had me start taking ovulation tests at home to see when I'm ovulating. Then about a week later it's time for an ultrasound to check on how many follicles I have grown and ready to burst, "ovulate". (During fertility treatments, all of your ultrasounds are done vaginally, so it's something you really have to get used to doing.)  It was a Thursday and the nurse told me I had one large follicle on my right side that was ready to burst any day. She also said she was sure I'd ovulate by Sunday at the latest. Turns out she was right because on Saturday morning I tested positive for ovulating and we had our first IUI that afternoon. Clearly, we all know what the outcome of that insemination, negative, so then we had to wait for the following month for me to get my period and try again.

When it was time to get the ball rolling again when taking Femara again I was told to take three pills this time for five days in hopes we get more follicles when I ovulate. We did another IUI procedure on April 22, and again negative results. Time and time again after continuously getting nothing but negative pregnancy results it never got any easier. I would usually have an entire day that consisted of me crying my eyes out asking God why can't I get pregnant. Why can't I conceive a baby on my own?

At this point I didn't know what to do, continue doing rounds of IUIs? My Dr at the time believed I had my left tube blocked so he wanted me to call to schedule a mini surgery to clear out my tube but like all things, in the fertility world, I had to wait until a specific day in my cycle. When I called to set up the appointment the nurse that was helping me told me a catheter they need for that surgery was on backorder so I would have to wait until possibly June to get an appointment, this was when she suggested I'd get on the waiting list for IVF.

The nurse was the sweetest ever! She was so kind and helpful. She told me that the location I was going to the waitlist for IVF was for the end of September beginning October. She offered to send a referral for me for a different location which wasn't too far from me just in case they had a shorter waiting list. I was so thankful for that. Less than a week later I received a call from the clinic to schedule my consultation with my new Dr which I love! The only thing that sucked was that we were in May and our consultation wasn't until July. The torture am I right?

During the months leading up to our consultation, we planned to still continue trying to get pregnant on our own. I always thought maybe somehow we'd have a miracle and we'd be blessed with a little baby before even needing that appointment. Without even needing to do IVF because in all honestly deep down inside I didn't want to go down that route. I was scared to do IVF and sadly I was ashamed of the thought that I would need to undergo IVF treatments to have a baby. I know that's so stupid for me to feel that way, but that's the reality of infertility. We're thought to be ashamed of it. I was still hoping I could possibly get pregnant naturally and on our own.

This is where I'm going to end this post since the continuation will be the perfect way for me to introduce my journey with IVF. Thank you so much for joining me on this extremely personal and raw post. Infertility is a hard journey to be in but my goodness does it open your eyes to being the person you want to be and becoming such a strong woman at that. If you or anyone you know that is struggling with infertility, I am here for you. Please, feel free to reach out.